I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
