So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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