well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize