he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
