wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize