1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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