my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We got so high we made milksteak
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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