Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
