When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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