I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
soo... how was my night?
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