Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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