It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
