I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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