no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
