I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
