so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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