There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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