I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
