HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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