last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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