it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Randomize
