Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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