Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
