Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
