u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
