I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
