I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
