so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize