I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
