I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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