i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
