sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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