she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
