Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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