My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize