When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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