she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
