i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
