OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
