haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
