Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
