I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
