I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize