All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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