dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
