Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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