No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
be right there i have to get my cape
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