How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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