Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
there is glitter all over my balls
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