So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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