my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
