Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
