For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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