Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
