My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
