Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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