Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
