i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
