no, he came in my armpit
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
