I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
